C2M5 This is the Mission From Hell as far as I'm concerned. It's hard without being interesting - there's no tactical thinking to speak of, it's just pure shoot and shoot and hope not to get shot. Then at the end there's an unforgivably stupid bit that makes it almost certain you will lose one or more men and quite possibly get yourself killed for no valid reason except that the designers put in something (if I may repeat myself) STUPID.

The only thing it has going for it is that it doesn't take very long. And you could say that for death by lethal injection.

MISSION: To survive, under attack by enormously superior forces, until the airplane arrives to evacuate you. Then to board the plane before it takes off, which it will do in almost no time because of this STUPID way they programmed it.

CONDITIONS: Lovely. Just God-damned lovely.

THE OPPOSITION: About a million Germans. Most of whom are supposed to be "Rumanian mountain rangers" but horse shit, they're Krauts, just like the ones in the bunker.

Christ, I don't know how many there are. Too damn many. They all seem to be carrying MP-40s - you won't come under any long-range sniping at least. Though they can use those MP-40s at utterly impossible ranges.

In addition to the infantry there is this one geek on a BMW with a machine gunner in the side hack. This is the only motorized equipment or heavy firepower in the attacking force.

PERSONNEL: I'll be brutal: don't take anybody on this mission whom you absolutely cannot stand to lose, because the mortality rate tends to be high. At the same time, you don't want to use throwaway men; they have to be pretty damn good or you'll all get killed. High endurance is valuable because everybody will probably get hit a time or two. Strength and stealth don't come into it at all.

You do need one top gun. Much as I hate to put McGatt at risk this early in the game, this is one time when he really is needed; there's something that has to be done, that only someone of McGatt's formidable ability can handle. You'll see what I mean.

And as much as I hate to risk Rankings, there's just nobody like him on that Bren. However, Lt. Wooley is almost as good, and harder to kill.

EQUIPMENT: Guns and ammo, that's it. The Bren, everybody else with MP-40s, and everybody with a year's supply of ammunition. Give the Bren gunner an MP too, with a few clips.

One of the most popular online walkthroughs tells you that there are two machine guns in the barn. NO THERE ARE NOT. I don't know what this is all about; maybe they were there in the original version - but in the free Deluxe version of H&D, THERE ARE NO MACHINE GUNS IN THE BARN. There are some grenades and some Panzerfausten and I think some mines but no guns. The only guns you will have will be the ones you bring with you.

I've tried doing some things with antipersonnel mines and sometimes the results were at least entertaining. (Nothing like hearing that angry screech of "Englander!" cut short by a sudden BOOM.) But they're more trouble than they're worth; planting them slows you down, and you need to use your time to get your men into position.

Grenades are entirely useless. Don't bother.

AT THE START: You're standing out in the middle of a big open field. In the near distance is a barn and some sort of house.

PROCEDURE: The key is, don't hole up in that damn barn. The obvious temptation is to do so; the barn's the only cover, after all. Put everybody way back in the barn out of harm's way, set a couple of men to cover the front and another to cover the back, then just hang on till the plane arrives, right?

Well, it's possible to do it that way, but it's piss-poor tactics. Way back in the interior of the barn, you've got a very limited field of fire and you can only cover a small arc of the approaches. They can and will move in from your blind spot and cover the door, and then when you run out to board the plane they'll get you. They'll also assemble down at the end of the runway and keep you from reaching the plane.

No, as unnatural as it seems, you've got to stay out front. Or rather at the front; the barn doorway is a fine spot, just as long as you don't back up into the barn more than a little way. You should have your Bren gunner lying down just about in the center of the front doorway, with a 180-degree field of fire or close to it. Give him Guard with a direction somewhere out to the west, over toward the trees. The direction isn't too critical, you just want to make sure he doesn't face in some goofy direction.

Your top gun should be in back of the barn, facing southwest - parallel to the barn, looking in the direction of the river. Make him lie down and give him Guard so he keeps pointing himself in the right direction.

The third man should be lying in the barn doorway too, or just outside it, next to the Bren gunner - on his left - with an MP-40. Give him Guard out toward the trees too, a bit more northwest.

You yourself should be on the Bren gunner's right, crouched or prone. You should be a little farther back into the barn, so that you can move back and replace the man in back if he gets killed. Keep an eye on his icon and if he goes down get your own ass out there fast or they'll come right in on top of you. The back approach has to be held, against frequent and determined frontal attacks, and that's why you need somebody like McGatt back there.

See, that's what they're up to. When the attack starts, you'll see that not many of them are charging straight toward the barn, and even fewer are coming from the right. The great majority of the attackers are moving in a southerly direction, following the fence line and headed for the riverbank; they're trying to outflank you and work their way around behind you.

Which is good tactics, only they should have done it before they came out of the trees. As it is, they're running across your field of fire rather than into it, and that makes them easier targets. You'll find you can just lay your sights ahead of them and hold down the trigger and they'll run right into your fire.

But just a few minutes after the action commences, before the flanking attack really develops, a new threat appears on the scene: Motorcycle Max, roaring toward the barn on his trusty Beemer. He'll come from off to the west, more or less - hell, you can't miss him, he's the biggest moving thing out there. He's extremely dangerous if he gets that machine gun into play. Make it your personal business to take him out; the AIs aren't too reliable that way, tending to concentrate on the runners. Just blast him with the MP-40 and his bike will explode, solving that problem permanently.

After you do that, though, start paying attention to the situation out back, because by now your man out there is going to be pretty hotly engaged. How hotly will depend on how thoroughly the guys up front have thinned out the attackers, but some of them will inevitably get through and that's the way they'll try to come.

From here on out it's just shoot and shoot. Keep scanning from side to side, especially during the occasional lulls, and be especially alert for attacks developing from the right quadrant; they never come that way in force, but it only takes one moving in from that direction, while you're looking the other way, to hurt you badly and maybe kill you.

Unless you have really rotten luck, the enemy attack will gradually run out of gas and the fight will settle down to some desultory firing back and forth. Finally you will get a message telling you the first part of the mission has been completed. Right after this you will hear the sound of the plane landing.

This is the part that drives me crazy. The plane is going to taxi down to the end of the runway and turn around. It will wait only a very, very short time and then it will take off again, whether you're on board or not. Basically when it gets turned around you have to be right there ready to hop on or you'll be left and you'll have gone through all this shit for nothing.

And it will do this no matter what your situation is. If you're still taking fire from enemy holdouts out in the woods - and you will be - tough shit, you've just got to run out to the plane and hope they don't hit you too many times.

So when you get the first message, immediately pull up the map and delete all the Guard commands, so nobody gets delayed coming unstuck. While you're at it, give the Bren gunner a use-inventory command to switch to his MP, so he can defend himself a little more readily while running.

When you see the plane taxi by, run out back and give the man there a follow-me. (Assuming he's still alive.) Then run through the barn and give the same command to the two guys in the front doorway. Repeat it just to make sure; check the icons to see if everybody's on Follow.

Now there's nothing for it but to run like hell out toward the plane. You'll almost certainly be shot at along the way and probably hit a time or two. Your men may stop to return fire. Don't worry about them and above all don't go back for them or screw around doing any shooting of your own. As long as they're under a follow-me, once you're on the plane they will automatically be on board too - if they're still alive at the time you board; and if they're not, well, I told you to take guys you could stand to lose.

Oh, and swing pretty wide around the plane so your lads don't run into the props and get decapitated.

The plane has to be boarded from the left side. There's a perfectly good door on the other side just like it, but you can't use it. Approach the plane on its right side, though, and then run around the tail to reach the door; that way the plane's between you and some of the gunfire. Run up to the plane and hit the Use key. You have to be lined up with the door and the plane has to be sitting still. Once it starts moving you're shit out of luck.

Once on board, contrary to widespread belief, you're not safe yet. You can still be killed by enemy fire as the plane takes off. There is nothing you can do about this. It is very frustrating when it happens. Just as a precaution, you might want to save just before you leave the barn.

But let's hope you make it into the air and off once more to dear old Blighty. I believe His Majesty has a little something for you.