In the immortal words of a great Hispanic-American: "This is stoopid, man."

This mission is very far below the standards of HD2 in almost every respect. Not just because the premises are idiotic in the extreme (in that respect it makes the "iceberg" mission look like a documentary), the action mostly repetitious and uninteresting, and the mission itself too easy even to pose any challenge to anyone who's been able to get this far. Besides all that, the graphics are for the most part not very good; the structure itself isn't too badly rendered (though its layout makes no sense) but the interior scenes are so badly laid out as to be grotesque and everything has a crude, vague, muddy look.

On top of everything, the AIs act like total dickheads the whole time. The game never has entirely overcome the weird behavior in close quarters that was a curse of the old Hidden & Dangerous, and in this particular mission they get really impossible. Not only is this annoying, it makes them very hard to manage and sometimes gets them shot.

Actually this would have been a fairly good mission for the original HD; in that surreal atmosphere it would have fit right in. And at times I've felt as if that was what I was playing; which is not altogether bad, I have many fond memories of the old game, but we've come a long way since then. Or I thought we had.

On the other hand it's not nearly as bad as that dreadful thing with the airplanes; at least you've got some things you can do, some choices to make, beyond just shooting at targets. And it's not as baby-simple as the other frogman mission; it's pretty easy, but you do have to pay attention to what you're doing and it does have some complexities.

Enter the fortress via an undersea opening of unclear function, using frogman gear. Blow up heavy artillery threatening Allied shipping. Turn on lighthouse as beacon for said shipping. I'm not making this up you know.

Frankly, I dislike this mission so much that I use men I don't care about and never use in other missions, and then if they get killed, OK, they get killed. By the time you're halfway done you'll be so sick of the goofy bastards that you'll feel like shooting them yourself.

At the same time you have to try to keep them alive long enough to complete the mission, and at least one has to survive. So you need four men with adequate resistance. That's about it, really; the shooting is almost all at short ranges, so marksmanship isn't critical, and there are no disguises available so stealth is irrelevant, as is lock picking. They can't wear backpacks, so they're very limited in how much weight they can carry, and so strength isn't really a factor either. First aid skills are worth having, though; they do get hit a good deal.

Last time I ran it I took Finch, Collins, Saunby, and O'Sullivan. Not a one of them worth a shit, though Collins was the best of the sorry lot.

There is a serious mistake in the loading menu. It tells you that you need three explosive pouches, which it's already supplied. THIS IS WRONG. DO NOT BELIEVE IT. YOU HAVE TO HAVE SIX EXPLOSIVE CHARGES TO COMPLETE THIS MISSION. YOU CANNOT DO IT WITH LESS.

So get three more of those satchel charges and distribute them among the lads; and hand out the first aid supplies, such as they are, and you will see right away that you don't have much carrying capacity left over for ammunition. This is a factor you will have to keep in mind throughout the mission.

As for weapons, I give my lead man a silenced Sten (never could tell that it made any real difference, don't really know why I bother) and the others regular Stens. Nothing else; there are a couple of spots where it might be possible to do something with a grenade but in those close quarters I've never cared to risk it. No knives or pistols or compasses. You'll have all you can do carrying enough ammo for the Stens.

Oh, shit, where to begin? There aren't any such islands off the Normandy coast anywhere near the invasion beaches and I don't even think it's geologically possible that there could be. If there were such a place, though, with guns in a position to threaten the invasion shipping, then the Allies would simply have sent in a couple of old battleships and blasted the place to kitty litter.

It wouldn't be any contest, because the fortress's famous guns, when you finally get a look at them, turn out to be mere five-inchers or thereabouts - the equivalent of a destroyer's main battery. There are big shells lying around, but they're far too big to fit. (Which is just as well since there's no ammunition hoist and they're too big for a man to handle unassisted.)

But then these shells must be duds, since they don't explode when you set off a charge in the same room with them. Neither do the supplies of what is evidently meant to be bag powder. In fact the explosions, while turning the guns to blackened wreckage and even bending the barrels, do absolutely no other damage to anything else in the room.

You hear these guns going off as you're working your way toward them, even when you're in the next room; but then when you go in there are only two or three men in the room, to serve a couple of full-sized artillery pieces! It can't be because they're shorthanded; all these other characters are wandering aimlessly about the place, for no apparent reason.

We're told in the briefing that the place can't be attacked from the air because of its powerful anti-aircraft defenses. These prove to consist of a small number of 20mm. cannon, enough maybe to make things difficult for a low-flying fighter-bomber but no threat to a heavy or medium bomber at any altitude.

As for turning on the lighthouse to serve as a navigation beacon - oh, my bleeding ass. That's so idiotic it makes you cringe. As is the procedure by which you do it. Nor is it explained what's to stop the Germans from turning it back on as soon as you leave.

What a load of ballocks. I accept a certain level of absurdity in these games; I even expect it - it's a game, after all, not a historic re-creation. But I expect the silliness at least to be well done. As in the previous campaign.

Once again you start out underwater, but this time it's a very short swim. In fact I can't think why they put that part in at all; the underwater part is so brief and simple that it adds nothing to the mission except another layer of goofiness. Maybe somebody just likes to look at men in tight rubber clothes.

Whatever. There are two places you can get in but you want the nearer one; the other offers no advantages and some added hazards. Give the others a Follow Me and start flippering. The hole itself is almost impossible to see until you're right on top of it, so use the map - your lead man should be swimming right down that arrow - and look for a dark spot up ahead; that's not the entry, that's a small drainage pipe with a grill over it, but your target is just a little to the left. There's a stream of bubbles rising just in front of the tunnel, no doubt methane from all that sewage. (What did you think that hole was for?)

Swim through the hole and up, negotiating the various obstacles, and climb up the steps to the base of the ladder. The others should follow, after a fashion, in a few seconds. If one doesn't show up, go find out what he's doing; chances are he's got himself lost or hung up. (Warning: there is a bit of a bug in here, and now and then a man will get stuck in some mysterious way that you can't get him out of. When this happens all you can do is restart.)

Get them all up the ladder - you'll probably have to do this manually, they aren't too good at following in here - and assemble them in the room above, next to those boxes of shit. (Well, that's what it looks like to me.) Everybody dump their breather gear; it won't be needed any more.

Leave them there and go up the stairs and through the door at the top. Turn left and through another door and then up the stairs to the right, just a short way. Go back and get the others one by one and bunch them up on the stairs behind you; don't waste your time trying to get them to follow properly.

Go on up the stairs, by yourself, moving in silent mode, until you see an open door on your right. Ignore it and turn to the left, putting the open door behind you, to face on up the stairs. There may be a German on the stairs or the landing above you. If not, watch that landing; in a moment he may come out of the door on the right and cross in front of you. If you're quick you can get him; otherwise creep on up the stairs and go after him - he likes to hole up on the next flight of stairs.

Once you've eliminated him, turn back to the door he came through. If you're carrying two explosive bags, the next part is for you; if not, switch to somebody who is.

Go through the door, checking quickly to the right because sometimes there's another guard and he tends to be down by the foot of the steps. You'll see a big room with a not very convincing-looking cannon. Go down the steps and through the room and through the double doors on the far end, where you'll find a similar piece. Lay an explosive charge at the red placement point beside it, run back through the double doors into the first room, and lay your other charge there. Get your ass back up the steps and onto the stairway again before it goes off.

Now you can turn your attention to the room beyond that open door, which as you go in you'll see is a large room full of wooden packing crates. Crouch down and cover the double doors to your left. Bring up another man quickly to join you. Sometimes a man comes through those doors; sometimes even more than one.

Get the rest of the gang up the stairs. If anybody did come through those doors, go over and close them; your men will get confused enough as it is. By now in fact they're probably acting like real idiots, shuffling around and pointing their weapons at the stone walls. What can I say, do your best. Deploy three of them facing the double doors at the far side of the room - not the ones on the left - and have the fourth man go over and open those doors from the side.

There are two or maybe three Germans in the next room and they'll start shooting almost immediately. Don't be at all surprised if your faithful heroes stand there with their fingers up their asses and do nothing while the Germans blow them away; it's entirely possible, I've seen it more than once in this mission. (Evidently the stupidity of the mission rubbed off on the participants.) It will help to put your own character in a good position and switch to him as soon as the doors start to open; at least then you can guarantee that one man will fire.

Once the next room has been cleaned out, send in a man carrying a single explosive charge and let him plant it. There are two points in the room but you only need one charge; use the point between the two guns.

After the explosion move the team into the next room, facing the next set of double doors at the far end. Use the same system as before: three men cover the doors, one opens them. The Germans in this room are somewhat tougher, and sometimes a man or two may come in from the hallway to help them. Things may get lively for a moment there.

Send in another man with a single charge to blow that room. Now you should have a success line showing on your shit sheet: "Destroy the guns shelling the allied ships" or some such drivel.

Two to go. At this point one man should be carrying two charges; if not then make it so. He will go on through the last room you blew, through the small door at the far end, and turn left and through a long room full of boxes and mysterious machinery. Go through the door at the far end and turn left and go on along the corridor. At the far end is an open doorway and beyond it the top of a flight of steps. Somewhere in this area a German is prowling around and it's worth taking a little time to try and find him. If you can't then just move on past the stairway into the gun room there.

Go on through the double doors into the next, and final, gun room. Lay a charge there and run back the way you came. Somebody may take a shot at you as you leave but just keep going, the explosion will get him. In the next room check quickly to see if you've got company and then lay your final charge beside the last gun and take off. Chances are you'll go through the wrong door but that's OK, you'll figure it out. Check the score card and you ought to have another success showing.

Go back and join the others. You might like to save at this point.

Now take everybody back down the stairs. When you get to the bottom, though, don't go through the door where you came in. Instead turn to the right down a short passageway and then right again down a flight of stairs. If you've got them following you, let them catch up - in their goofy-ass fashion - and park them there; the next bit is easier done solo.

Go down the stairs and then switch to silent mode before opening the door. As you go through you'll hear voices; just around the next corner, to the right, a couple of Germans are standing in the hallway shooting the shit. Ease around the corner and waste them.

Move on down the corridor - you can go back to normal movement now - and hang a right and pause. A German will come around the corner to the left in a second or two. Step over him and continue. The corridor turns left, runs along for some distance past an orange barrel, and then turns left again. At this point go back to silent motion and creep along watching to your left; a German will appear from a side passage.

He's got an MP-40, which offers a possibly needed opportunity. Bring the other men down the stairs and along the halls to join you, and do a quick all-around ammo status check. Probably some of the boys are running a little light by now. Somebody can take the MP-40, freeing up some Sten ammo to share among the others. The dead guy isn't carrying much but it should be enough for what's ahead.

OK, move on. Up ahead the corridor turns right and passes a door with a sign: AUSGANG. This is the door you want, but not yet. There's a German just around the corner up ahead and it's best not to leave any bad guys that close behind you. Cover the corner and bring up the others and have them cover it too. If he doesn't come, go to silent again and sneak along a little farther; he should show up then. Be fast, because he is.

Now you can go through that door, and up the flight of stairs beyond. Stop at the top of the stairs and bring up the others. Crouch down at the door and have your best backup man standing right behind you. When you open the door it is entirely possible there will be a German on the other side, right in your face, with his gun ready, so be prepared to fire instantly when the door opens.

Move quickly through the door. Ahead you'll see a flight of steps going down, and on the right a barred iron gate, which leads to a courtyard just inside the main entrance of the fortress. Of more immediate concern, there'll undoubtedly be some Germans on the other side, and one or more of them may come through that gate any second.

So position your two lead men on the steps, covering the gateway from the side, with a third man behind them. There's really not much room for a fourth to do any good but that's OK, the fourth man has a different job to do in a minute.

If the Germans aren't keen on rushing the gate it may be necessary to move down a bit and try getting them through the bars. There won't be many of them.

Now one man must go through that door to the left of the head of the stairs, into yet another hallway lined with doors. Turn left and the door you want is the next to last one, with the sign GENERATOR RAUM. Go into silent mode and open the door.

There's a German inside and if you guys have been making a lot of racket it's possible he'll be waiting for you with his gun ready, so have yours ready too and shoot as soon as the door opens. If he's not there, though, then he's probably over to your right as you go in.

There's a switch on the wall to the left of the door. Use it and after some weird sounds check your score sheet, which should now show success on the line about turning on the generator. Ta for God's sake daa.

Go back and join the others. Time now to get out of this zoo. Go through the iron gate - it isn't locked - and pause to pick up a rifle and some clips off one of the stiffs in the courtyard.

To the left of the gate is a pair of great big wooden doors. Position everybody to cover them - every now and then there's a lone German on the other side - and open. Beyond there's another set of doors, with a medieval portcullis. Get everybody through the first set of doors and close them behind you to minimize distractions to your troops.

Hunker down and open the second set of doors, which will reveal a nice view of the sea and sky and all that. As you start to move through it will also reveal the lighthouse; and it may reveal you to hostiles. Lie down and take the rifle and get into position so you can cover the walkway around the top part of the lighthouse. You'll see a man walking around and around. It's a long shot and not too easy without a scope, and he's liable to shoot back if you miss; but take your time and you can get him.

Up now, and move out a little way - not too far - beyond the entrance. There's a German out there somewhere near the base of the lighthouse and you'll have to find him - probably when he shoots at you - and pick him off. Have a look down toward the boat dock, too, usually there's another one down there though he may not be where you can see him. If he's out of sight forget him for now.

Toss the rifle, or give it to one of the others, and go back to the Sten or MP-40, and run on out to the base of the lighthouse. Move the other men out through the doors where they can cover the area around the dock, in case somebody shows up.

Now go in through the door on the side of the lighthouse and switch to silent mode and start up the stairs. You will quickly learn that moving up a spiral staircase is not one of the things HD2 does well; in fact you will probably curse extensively on your way up. The trick is to use your sidewise (right) motion key rather than the forward one, while turning yourself to face a bit to the left; this is smoother than trying to walk up it normally.

It's especially tedious in silent mode, but there's a German up at the top. He's got a grenade, but he's not really dangerous with it; I've never known him even to get close - it just doesn't work very well down that spiral staircase. In fact I've known him to blow himself up with it. So you'll probably hear a muffled explosion somewhere above you, but don't worry, it's the only one he's got.

When you finally see the top of the stairs come into view, move cautiously with your weapon ready, turning to fact your right, and you should see him up there past the railing - unless he already blew himself up, yahaha - and can shoot him, wishing he were the person who designed that staircase.

There's a set of switches next to the door. Use the one on the right; leave the other one alone.

The men waiting outside will see the lighthouse beacon come on against the dimly lit sky. How lovely. How scenic. How dumb.

You can go out on the walkway and look around, if you want. If the sniper didn't drop his rifle over the side when you shot him - and he probably did - you might be tempted to pot at the Germans on the fortress roof. Resist the temptation; it's risky and there's no point to it. Just go back down that staircase (aaaaghhhh) and back to the gate and collect your men and give them Follow Me and head for the dock. If there's anybody hanging out down there you can shoot him. Run out on the dock and the mission should end.

What a drag. But the next one is so much better it's worth all this shit to get there.