I had really hoped the last mission would be something decent - within, of course, the immutable limitations of the context: it's a shit campaign and any mission in it would have to be badly tainted. But at least I was hoping for something not too grotesque; something to end the game on an enjoyable note.

No such luck. They really pulled out all the stops on this one; for sheer dumbness of premise and absurdity of setting, it comes in second only to that God-damned thing on board the ship. The only reason it doesn't come in first is that at least the facility in which it takes place is physically possible - on the inside, that is; the island itself is not - it's just not credible that the Germans would have built it in such a place and for such a purpose, and even less so that a bunch of raggedy-assed Greek rebels would be operating it. As for the crapola with the Russian plane....

Still, in terms of actual play - if you can overlook the stupid context - it's got its moments. In fact if they'd set it earlier in the period, and made this a German base and given it some credible function (U-boats instead of seaplanes), it would be a pretty good mission.

At least it's got some movement and excitement; it's not tiresome and boring like that damn fool business in the canyon.

MISSION: The partisans are using an abandoned German seaplane base, beneath a small (and geologically impossible) coastal island, as their headquarters. Very curious base, tremendous underground construction job, big hidden dock - for seaplanes? Uh huh. And meanwhile they were parking their super experimental jet airplane in an open hangar beside a pissant little airstrip out in the woods....

Anyway you have to enter the base, kill the partisan leader and everybody else on the premises, and blow up the seaplane - which the English-challenged game incorrectly calls a "hydroplane" - in whatever order you like.

CONDITIONS: Seems to be daytime and nice weather, but it doesn't matter since you're going to be indoors virtually the whole time.

THE OPPOSITION: Forty-some-odd assorted Geeks armed with various weapons, spread about the place mostly in small groups. The only place you'll encounter heavy numbers is down by the seaplane dock. No fixed MGs or heavy weapons of any sort.

PERSONNEL: Last mission in the campaign, might as well take in your top guns. Of course logically you should have the same team you had in the previous mission, but applying logic here is a waste; the campaign is silly, the mission is silly, this thing doesn't deserve logic.

However, due to the tactical environment, there's a good chance of your men taking hits, so a fairly high endurance rating all around would be a good idea.

EQUIPMENT: Give each man a PPSh and plenty of ammo. One man should carry a rifle with a minimum load - he's only going to fire a couple of shots at the beginning - and each man should carry an explosive charge. At least one man should have at least one Panzerfaust or a bazooka with at least one round, but if at all possible each man should be carrying one of these antitank weapons and if he can carry two, so much the better.

(Because of the way things are laid out, it's not certain who will be doing exactly what; and so it's important that, for example, each man should have an explosive charge, in case he happens to be the one in position to use it. Otherwise you have to keep stopping and moving people around, and it's a real pain in the ass moving anywhere inside this place.)

And stock up on grenades. Basically take as many as you've got or as many as everybody can carry. Frag grenades, either Mills bombs or those fat gray German ones, are what you need; there's very little you can do with potato mashers or English contact bombs in this kind of environment. But you're going to be doing lots of grenading, and you won't have any chance to pick up more, so carry all you can.

The Panzerfausts and bazookas can also be used very effectively as short-range artillery for taking out men holed up in rooms, so use up any you've got left.

AT THE START: You're standing near the mouth of a tunnel, looking across a long swinging bridge toward another tunnel in a hillside. You aren't under fire.

PROCEDURE: Everybody lie down. Whoever's got the rifle sight in on that tunnel entrance at the other end of the bridge and fire a couple of rounds and wait. In a little bit a man will come running out. Shoot him quick and keep shooting till he's definitely down. Wait a minute; there shouldn't be any more coming out at this point but you never know. Now you can throw the rifle away if you like.

Take the PPSh and get up and run across the bridge. At about the halfway point pause, and then pause again every little bit the rest of the way, until a man appears in the tunnel. Kill him and then run the rest of the way and hit the deck. Just about the time you get there another man will come out and he'll be shooting so get him fast.

Give your man Guard on that doorway - sometimes there's another one or two - and bring the others over the bridge. Have each one take a good look through that doorway; there's one guy in there who sometimes gets careless and one of the boys might be able to get him.

You can get up now and move toward the doorway but not through it yet. There are several people in that room who have to be eliminated. There's one on the left side of the room who's pretty easy to shoot, but when you get him another one will run out from behind those boxes in the rear. The big danger is on the right, with one man in particular covering that doorway; don't try to shoot him, he's too fast. Best is to grenade this room pretty thoroughly, if you've brought enough to spare.

You'll see a closed door in the east wall. There's a man just behind it. Bring all your men in and position them facing that door and give them all Guard. Then go over to the left side of the door and open it and get out of the way. You'll hear a quick burst of shots and that'll be that. With any luck they'll also get one of the men in the room behind him. Or another man may try to charge the doorway; it'll be the last thing he ever does.

There are a couple more men in that room, but leave them alone for now. Turn and go through the door on the south and down a short hallway to a room full of boxes and crates. There's nobody in there but don't get too near that doorway on the east side. Go through the room toward the door on the south side until you can see some barrels in the next room. Shoot them and the resulting explosion will probably kill the man in there.

This is your big secret weapon in this mission: those barrels. Again and again, you'll find yourself in situations where blowing up a few barrels will simplify matters greatly.

Go on through the door, checking quickly to make sure that guy isn't still alive - the blast doesn't always get him - and then look over toward the nearby elevator doorway, where a damn fool may well be shooting at you already with a pistol.

Dust him and turn your attention to the next big doorway to your left as you head east. There are two guys just inside that doorway, on the east side. They'll have their backs to you so you can easily get them. Don't go through the door yet, though. There's one more son of a bitch over by the west wall. He's covering the door there and he won't see you till it's too late.

On the north side of this room is the entrance to a hallway. There's a man waiting down the hall and he's got the entrance covered. Go back to your men in that first room and have one of them line up through that doorway where they killed that guy, through the next room and the open door on the far side - if you'll study the map you'll see how this works - and fire a couple of bursts. This usually makes the man in the hallway turn toward the sound of gunfire and then you can step out and waste him.

Alternatively, if your guys are carrying some spare Panzerfausts and/or bazookas, you can just fire a round through that room and through that door into the hallway and the explosion will kill him. Kind of drastic to take out one man but if you've got it to spare why not?

When he's dead you can move into the hallway but don't go too far. Stop before you pass that side hall on the right. A gunman is standing there ready to chop you when you come down the corridor. Grenade him and then run on past - there are some more people behind him but they'll keep - to the door on the left. There are still two men in that remaining room, one on either side. By now they'll be facing toward the door on the west where all the shooting has been coming from, so you can get them both without too much risk - but use the little hallway for cover and get them one at a time, don't try some cowboy left-and-right routine.

Now there are only three enemies left on this floor and they're all in that room across the hallway where you grenaded that guy. From the hallway you can't see them but there's one on either side. Toss in a grenade or two and that should finish those two. Go in with your PPSh ready and make sure they're dead. The third one is hiding in the second doorway, the one toward the rear of the room, and you won't see him as you come in. Go through that door toward the stairs and turn sharply right and go up behind him and take his head off.

Now get ready to cover the head of that stairway. You can simply stand facing it, but if you'd rather be careful you can move down by that elevator shaft, by where you shot that last guy. In a minute you're going to hear the sounds of running feet on the stairs and two men are going to charge up the stairway toward the room, and you can cut them down.

At this point you own the upper floor. Great; put it up on eBay and sell it. No? Still want to go on with this thing? OK, then, bring one good man into that big room and position him facing the elevator shaft - the one on the left - and specifically the door that leads to that ladder going down. Make sure he's lined up to nail anybody who comes up that ladder and give him Guard.

Now you're going to play a little bait game on those bastards downstairs. Walk through that doorway and back up to the ladder and start down it. Go down just part of the way, not more than half - use third person and check below for any sign of movement - and then haul ass back up that ladder and back into that room and give yourself Guard on that same doorway.

Nothing will happen right away, but don't worry, it's going to. In a little while a man will come up that ladder and get killed. Then another one will follow, and another one. They have no chance at all because, as you've already learned, the AIs in H&D are totally helpless while they're coming over the top of a ladder. Some of them will pile up on the landing and others may fall back down the shaft.

You could hang around and watch this little massacre, if you feel like spending the time, but there's not all that much to see and you've got lots more to do. If you like, you can bring in another man and have him replace you covering the doorway, so you've still got two men on the job - twice as many as you really need - and then do the next part yourself.

In any case, it's time for somebody to go downstairs. He'll have to have at least one Panzerfaust or bazooka; and it'll be a good idea if whoever goes with him has one too.

What he's going to do is go down the stairs all the way to the bottom - long way down, but watch out as you approach the bottom and stop before you reach the door - and take up a position in the corner against the south wall, covering the door. Give him Guard - you'll have to experiment, it's very difficult to get him covering that door for some reason, but you have to do it or otherwise he'll wander around when he hears the gunfire from up top.

Now bring a second man down to join him and have him kneel in front of him, also facing that door, so that both of them have the door covered. Wait a minute and if nothing happens, the man in front can get up and move sidewise and fire a quick burst through the door - no need to hit anything, this is just a provocation - and then quickly resume his position, or else just move back to stand beside the first man.

In a moment an idiot will run through the door and you can both riddle him. Wait a moment longer to make sure there aren't any more volunteers and then one man must unlimber his Panzerfaust or bazooka and move toward that door, while the other continues to cover it.

You don't have to move clear into the doorway, in fact it's a bad idea. Just get far enough that you've got a clear shot at that damn airplane and put a rocket projectile into its ass. The resulting explosion will not only accomplish one of your objectives but fricasee several individuals out there as well.

Switch back to the PPSh and return to the doorway, easing past and facing across the seaplane dock, until you can see the first of a bunch of barrels over on the far side. Blow them up with a quick burst and you might get lucky and kill this asshole who's hanging around over there. If not you can get him directly; he's not a very good shot. Watch out for a man just outside the doorway to the left; get him too - he's pretty slow, you should be able to shoot him without much risk.

Moving back across the doorway, looking in the other direction, there's a man over near the tail of the plane. Even if you don't see him, try firing in that direction and see if you can flush him out. There are some more barrels down at that end; blow them up too. Blow up all the barrels you see. Even if they don't kill anybody the noise makes the AIs nervous.

When you've gotten that guy down by the tail of the plane, there's only one left in the dock area. He's just outside the doorway to your right, and he's probably facing the wrong way; if you're quick you can pop out and gun him.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, the boys up by the elevator should have themselves a pretty good cadaver collection by now. Probably there won't be any more; the supply of total damn fools is limited even among H&D AIs. So let's get them downstairs too.

Don't take them down the stairway, though. Have one of them go over to the other elevator shaft - not the one they've been guarding - and down the ladder to the bottom. When he hits the bottom he needs to go around the ladder and hit the deck and quick-roll to the left, into the pit at the bottom of the elevator shaft. There are two men in that room and they have to be taken out.

You can do this in several ways. The simplest is just to pop up and shoot them, but this isn't as easy as it sounds. One of them is way off toward the far side of the room by some barrels - the kind that won't explode, unfortunately - while the other is much closer, over to the right of the elevator doors. They're both in the wrong place to grenade them.

However you choose to do it, get rid of them and take over the room. By now the other two guys should have cleaned the area around the dock so there's nothing for you to do out there - unless one of them got hit and has to be replaced - but just wait for now.

The men by the stairway can come out now, if they haven't already done so, and begin clearing the remaining rooms. The room at the northwest corner contains two men. Go up by the right side of the door and look in until you can see some barrels. Blow them and then move toward the other side of the doorway, gradually, until you see the flash of another barrel on the left side of the room. Blow that and you'll have incinerated both of them without risk to yourself.

The last room is trickier. There are two guys in there, one right by the door. He may be facing away from the door. If he is, just shoot him. If not, then have one of the men over in the big storeroom - the ones who just came down the elevator shaft - open the small door in the north wall and go through and shoot him.

You'll have to do that last anyway, even if you've already gotten the one by the door, because the other man in the room is facing toward the doorway that leads out to the seaplane dock. So go through the door from the storeroom and bust him before he can turn around.

Now you're ready to go after bigger game. Go back through the big storeroom to the small door on the south wall, which opens onto a short corridor. Down at the end is a big room with a single guard waiting near the door. You can go down and grenade him, but if you've got any Panzerfausts left you can just fire one down the hallway into the room and the explosion will ace him.

Either way, once he's been croaked, run on up the hallway and into a big room full of tables and benches and suchlike. In the middle of the back wall is a closed door. Go open it - don't worry, it's a double door, there's nothing waiting for you behind it - and walk up to the next door, also closed, and set an explosive charge against it. This is the door to the leader's hiding place, but you're not trying to kill him, just get the door open, so one charge is all you need.

When the charge goes off there will be a fire for a minute; so while you're waiting for that to go out you may as well do some more mopping up. One of the men remaining back by the seaplane dock can run along by the south wall of the dock area to a door opening onto a long hallway. Halfway up the hallway, on the left, is a closed door. There is a man with a pistol and a bad attitude inside.

You may be able to tease him out. Walk up against the door and wiggle your gun a little and then back up quickly. Chances are he'll get pissed off and yank the door open and you can shoot him. Don't be too startled if he speaks German. Don't ask me. If you like you can go into the room and look around, admiring the various documents stuck up on the wall - none of them in Greek - and the portrait of Josef Stalin to remind you that these are Godless Communists so it's OK to kill them.

On down the hallway, there's a room at the end with another, considerably more dangerous individual of the Marxist persuasion waiting inside. Another Panzerfaust, if any of the lads have one left, will be the quickest way to eliminate him, but if not then just grenade the room.

By now the fire should have burned out in the doorway. Whoever's going to do the honors can now move down by the destroyed door and grenade the chief bad guy's ass. He's on the left side of the door. You could possibly charge in and shoot him if you want to do that, but don't blame me if he puts a bunch of new holes in your ass.

When you've got him you'll get another completion message. Now the only thing left is to clean up the two remaining rooms in the southeast corner of the complex. If you go back through the room with the desks to the far end, you'll see a hallway. On either side of the hallway as you start down it there will be a room with a man in it. Grenade them both. You won't have to wonder whether you've got them; when you've killed the last one the completion message will appear.

(If it doesn't, after you've confirmed that they're both dead, then you missed one somewhere and there's nothing for it but to go look for him. A nasty job but no way around it; check all the stiffs to make sure they really are.)

After the completion message you will get the usual debriefing screen and then a pleasantly corny THE END shot of an SAS man smoking a cigarette and gazing at the sunset, with a scrolling message about the end of World War II - which might be very appropriate and even moving if the last campaign hadn't been set in the postwar years. Oh well.

See, I told you you should have stopped after the Ardennes.